hey! i see something!

I was in a deep dark place and felt disconnected, frozen in the ice. Everyday the news was bad, and it was getting to me. I was lethargic, in a rut, unhappy. I needed change, and so I went back to school. It sucked for a while, but then something magical happened.

During the first two years of school, I was forcing myself to write the papers and do the homework. Not wanting to be there, I would watch the clock and daydream about other things. But I was learning. Like a work horse, I plowed through the literature and social classes and drank the waters of mathematics and electronics. And then I took a Physics class and everything changed. The professor was super-enthusiastic. She had an uncanny ability to read the room and adjust her speed so that no one was left behind. She wasn’t just up there broadcasting herself, she would come around and give individual attention. She was helpful and wanted us to learn, wanted me to learn. And I held out my unlit candle.

The optics and waves topics were my favorites. I was learning the physics of rainbows and auroras. I understood why the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapsed. I was re-writing my lab reports to make sure they were perfect. After Newtonian, we delved into Quantum Physics and it was so exciting! My curiosity had been reignited!

That class ended, but I wanted more. And so I picked up a wonderful book, The Edge of Physics by Anil Anathaswamy. A wonderful science writer, Anil takes the reader around the world to ongoing cutting edge physics experiments, vividly details what’s going on there, and explains the science of it all. I was entranced. My favorite endeavor described in the book was the construction of the Ice Cube Project at the geographic south pole. Scientists used hot water to drill holes in the Antarctic ice 2 – 3 km deep. They lowered basketball-sized digital optical modules (sensors) into the holes by attaching them to data/support cables, like a string of pearls. The holes refroze embedding all these sensors forever in the ice. Seemingly alone, these sensors are connected and working together to annunciate cherenkov radiation to computers on the surface; occasional collisions between neutrinos and the nuclei of hydrogen atoms in the ice. Why? Because they can use factors like spin and trajectory to determine the origins of cosmic neutrinos and study dark matter! Reading that book really gave me an appreciation for scientists and more generally, a revived faith in humanity!

I felt alone, embedded deep in the ice. And maybe many of us out there feel alone too. But like these digital optical modules, we’re really connected to computers on the surface. And when we see a collision, or something cosmic and cool, we can say, “Hey! I see something!” And we can share with each other- all working together. Teach each other. For a better humanity.

Please don’t feel so alone 🙂

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Twitter is down!

no, I don’t have the reasons, but this is a great time to hug your children and talk to them and read to them, and…I’m also using the hashtags to get you here to check out my friend’s new book. 🙂

here’s the link to her award winning blog where she talks about it!

https://eloisedesousa.wordpress.com/2019/07/11/space-dust/

image source: twitter

Experiential love: i am not enough

I’m sharing this so that you might know me better. I am not asking for agreement or validation. I do not intend to sway your beliefs. The language we use to depict God is, imo, unfair, generally speaking, to today’s (more) gender liberated society. I understand androcentric languge was the obvious choice for ancient biblical writers. Back then, women were regarded as earthbound tools, mysteriously physically fecund- unfit for the spiritual rationale and leisurely reflection that men enjoyed. 

Try reciting the apostles creed in feminine language and you’ll notice how language has affected your worldview. Do a google image search for God and you’ll see a white male. Imagine getting to heaven and finding God the Mother, and asking where God the Father is and She says, “Who?” 

I mean no disrespect to the Word of God, or the Bible, but it was written by men, for men. 

And for me, personal interpretation is key- everyone has different culturally informed conceptualisations of God. Some say He’s inside us, some say He’s outside watching over us. But I think god is all of us. All of life and the love that makes us want to survive, thrive, and procreate. See, I don’t think we give ourselves enough credit. If God is in all of us, then the only way we can know God is to talk to each other- and ask each other what our God looks like- this will show us how best to take care of each other.. I kinda think that when man fell away and was no longer able to hear God (on the outside) it’s because man thought he was enough for himself. To me, we are not enough for ourselves, we need others to know what love is. Experiential love. Inside and out. Let’s appreciate and help each other, to thrive. 💕

Codependence Day

Lately I’ve been seeing so much that celebrates independency. Everywhere you look, people are saying, “You don’t need him/her, you’re strong, independent, you can do fine on your own.” One friend even told me to turn the love I have for others inside and love myself.

Okay, let’s all be free! Let’s all be autonomous and celebrate ourselves! Love ourselves. Is that what’s going on? As we go out this week and overindulge in the holiday. We’ll eat too much, drink too much, and look at our phones trying to figure out the best way to broadcast ourselves. While the people around us are screaming inside, wanting to feel loved.

Sometimes I’m not happy with the American way, the never ending quest for freedom, for independence. The spirit of breaking away from our mothers and fathers and going it alone. Shooting our guns, gnashing our teeth, flexing our muscles. Sure we’re strong now. Proud. Free. Independent. But who really loves us? Who loves you?

Sometimes I think codependency isn’t such a bad thing. When we depend on others it shows them we trust them. Respect them. We’re willing to let them lead the way. And feed us. Nurture us. And we appreciate them. See, that’s me, I’m not independent, but rather dependent. I’m prone to codependency. It’s who I am. I am not enough for myself. I depend on others, often obsessively. I look for love in others. I look for help to make decisions. I need support, someone to lean on. I don’t like to be alone. And I’m always glad to give back. It makes me happy when I can be there for others, when I can be dependable too. I have plenty to offer, my talents, my help, my hugs, my love, and my appreciation for those strong independent people in my life.

So although independence is wonderful, love is a two way street. All relationships are codependent to some degree.

Happy Codependence Day!

image source: insidehook.com

Dear Ms. K.,

Dear Ms. K.,

Or whoever you are, it’s funny how we grow into new realisations, leaving our friends behind, even when they might be happy with the person we’ve become. I wanted to write to you directly, personally, but you already know I love you, and if I was in your heart then you’d find this. You said we were similar, like kindred spirits. You even saw your shadow in me, a part of your self that you hate. A sacral desire, obsessive attachment, a need to connect. And so triggered, you disconnected like a fall from grace, you cut ties. You told me to turn the love I have for others around, to turn inside, to start loving myself instead, to heal my self. So I did. We did. And now you can’t hear me on the outside, only on the inside, the feelings, the memories. A friend told me that the opposite of love is not hate, but rather indifference. We all turn inside. Especially after what they do to us. We turn into our own hearts, our own source. We know our own love, our own Christ, like we are all individual gods. And I’ve always wondered how we get back to dwell poetically with gods. To love and fear them. To hear them speak. Like the ancient peoples who believed that gods exist on the outside. And I think they do, inside and outside. There can’t be just one unless we’re/they’re unified. See, we all harbour our own love, our own source, our sparks of life, our want to live, to nurture, to heal. Love is not just inside ourselves, love is everywhere there is life. And to be able to know all of love, I think we have to be experiencing all of life, and staying connected. With everyone. Maybe you already knew this intuitively. Maybe that’s why our desires to connect are so strong. Maybe that’s why I don’t like to be alone. Indifference, bleh. I promise I’m trying to love everyone. I want to experience all the life. I want to open my wings and fly. Please always know I love and miss you, and would like to hear your voice again someday. On the outside!

love, walter

what i know about love

i love you

i love me too!

that’s what i do

see, love is inside me

and so i have plenty to give

love pervades life

and makes me want to, well,

love you!

this means i want you to:

survive

thrive

be healthy

and happy

do well

and feel good

and i appreciate you

there are no strings attached

no conditions or requirements

and so when i ask how you are

and when i say that i love you

it’s because i have love inside of me

and it’s outside too!

love is everywhere there is life

and i enjoy sharing life with you

if you want me to

but if you don’t, that’s okay

i can go away

and love you from afar

without bothering you

have a nice sunny day!

💕💕😁💕💕